I never thought that creating art amazes me so much…
Being by nature a very analytical person, I never ever considered painting too much, and honestly speaking I didn’t have any hobby until my 35. In 2013 I was lucky to visit Paris and met a wonderful artist. She was born in Russia but lived in France for quite some time. She had academic education in art combined with very sensitive feeling of things and nature and these things gave her unique talent to create wonderful paintings. She has been doing many amazing art-works, create dolls for kids and many other great things. Occasionally I had a chance to visit her house where I faced so many paintings. Before that I didn’t visit art galleries, but that visit and her art gave me opportunity to feel paintings in a completely different way. We spend hours discussing different techniques and art in general and I mentioned that I had not had a chance to paint. I think everyone spent some time when we were kids by drawing something but that was just general experience. And frankly speaking my experiments in art finished right after that. She listened very carefully and then suggested to try one more time, simply to buy a canvas and acrylic paintings and try to create something just expressing emotions. I rather skeptically said that we can’t compare her level of creating art which was developed by art academy and huge experience with me because I didn’t even finish any online classes. At the same time, she simply said: ‘You should try!’. In her personal opinion academic background could bring kind of scholastic approach. Obviously when you have knowledge of technique, shadows, combination of colors etc. this is amazing capability and tools that you can use but that also creates some framework, some boundaries that are not always easy to overcome. She basically encouraged me that despite the fact of not having academic background in art I should definitely try to express my feelings and emotions. This is where our discussion basically finished at that time!
I came back to home and forgot about that encouragement being busy with everyday routine, however somewhere in my heart the idea of trying art was alive.
Some day I was walking in the shopping mall and suddenly stopped in front of the shop with colors and canvases, so I recalled our conversation and decided to buy a basic set of colors, a couple of canvases and brushes. The first experience brought interesting result – I literally felt that emotions and feelings that before I kept inside me started materializing in colors, textures, forms by creating amazing combinations of colors, shadows, and mix of lines. At the very beginning the first experience was like you are in a dark room and you try to find a door without knowing where it is. You feel like you are searching a door, but have no idea where to go, which direction to choose. The feeling inside you is driving your hands but you can’t explicitly say what you want to create. You feel something but you don’t know how to express that. Every day I spent in front of the canvas and made experiments with colors, tools and details of the painting. Sometimes I spent hours, sometimes half an hour to create something new. I always felt like two things are fighting inside me – I realized emotional context that I was trying to express but what appears on the canvas was not always exactly what I wanted to show. That resulted in creating new and new layers on canvas to achieve exact snapshot of my feeling or emotion. At some point I clearly understood that I can’t stop making art until I get resonance or harmony between what I feel inside and what I express on canvas. The maximum resonance brings reassurance that I have got the final result that I don’t want to change, don’t want to add any details, colors, textures etc. Since that this is the main rule or guidance that I have while making new art-works, I create art again and again unless I get this internal synchronization between emotion and outcome with colors and textures. Once this condition is in place there is no any particular part of the painting to change.
Sometimes to create a painting I spend half an hour, and I can create 2-3 art-works within an hour. The reason behind that is very simple, I have so much emotions combining with easy going process of expressing those emotions that I can’t stop. In this case the whole series of works are being released as an outcome of such energy combined under one idea or concept. At the same time in some cases the way of finding this harmony is so much complicated so after several hours I still don’t have what I want and I have to stop creating any art because there is no simple way of finding the right resonance. This unsuccessful process is extremely painful for me, this is pure frustration, disappointment that drives cleaning the canvas and leaving it until I get next spike of emotions. This frustration is so strong that I literally feel the pain inside me, I want to create but I can’t make anything. Next morning I stand in front of the same canvas and as myself should I try one more time or leave it for now until I get new source of ideas. In some cases I force myself to stop painting because I do know that there will be nothing new but again and again I walk around white piece of canvas by listing myself, trying to find what is happening inside me. The right way would be to hold for a while and give yourself a bit more relief. Emotions are like an green apple, you can see that it’s getting better and better but it’s too earlier to pick and try! You need to give some time to feel the full sweetness of it! If you pick it earlier you won’t get full satisfaction, you won’t feel the taste and flavor. Once you get it ready you will feel amazing flavor, you will taste something unique, sweet and juicy. You have to wait but you can’t miss this moment once this is really ready to taste and then the main goal is to express everything in colors, textures, lines and forms. It’s extremely difficult to describe this feeling of readiness, you have to learn your emotion, your world, listen to yourself and just being honest with yourself to be in a position to create an art!